Old married couple jokes

Old Married Couple Jokes Account Options

35 Hilarious Jokes About Marriage That Every Married Couple Can Relate To. The divorce rate in America is plummeting. That means that there's never been a​. An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world. jokes about old people \ jokes old people - jokes old people hilarious - funny old 35 Hilarious Jokes About Marriage That Every Married Couple Can Relate To. Funny Joke: An elderly couple, Mildred and George, moved to Texas. An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and. 35 Hilarious Jokes About Marriage That Every Married Couple Can Relate To jokes about getting old - jokes getting old ` jokes about getting old ` old age.

Old married couple jokes

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Old Married Couple Jokes - Account Options

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Old Married Couple Jokes This is how love should be

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Old Married Couple Jokes Video

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Very easy, I suggest you try. Next morning he calls Jack: -Yo Jack, I have those old radios with a needle for tuning.

Does it work with those old radios too? Scroll to 99, then go a little further to the right. Couple of weeks later, he meets Jack again. And Jack asks: -Salut mon ami, How is your French?

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

The barber replied, Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does. An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?

A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time. One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife.

After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, what are those good smelling flowers called again?

Do you mean a rose? Yes that's it, he exclaimed. Looking over at his wife he said, Rose what's that restaurant we went to the other night?

While the doctor is examining her she mentions that over the years she has learned to fart silently and they never smell anymore. The doctor said "Ok, that's great", finishes up the exam, gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a couple of weeks.

When she returns, she complains that her farts now smell awful. But on the trip the wife died. A local priest then told the husband that he had two options.

The husband quickly said that he wanted her buried at home. The priest didn't understand this and asked the husband why he didn't just bury her in Jerusalem.

After all it was one of the holiest cities in the world, and he could save some money. The husband then told him that long ago a man was buried in this city, and 3 days later he resurrected from the dead, and he was definitely not willing to risk that happening with his wife.

The clerk said, "Sorry, no vacancies. No Jews allowed. I'm actually Catholic. Tell me then, did God have a son?

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?

The clergyman repeated the question. So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?

He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?

God is missing, and they think we did it! They order one burger and fries, sit down and divide the burger and fries.

A man from table next to them sees that and asks politely: "If you want, I can buy some extra food for you. From the table next to them, the man asks again:"I really have no problem buying you food.

We share everything" But the stranger is not happy with that and asks the woman:"Why are you not eating? Doc says, Mr.

Jones, I have bad news and worse news. Jones hangs his head for a couple moments and looks up to ask, "And the bad news? Jones frowns and says, "well, at least I don't have cancer.

There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard. She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous.

We must save the lady! You do not work for United Airlines anymore. For the last time The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does. I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? I asked. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like.

I said, 'No, I haven't. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.

An old cowboys goes into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. As he sits there sipping his bourbon, a young lady sits down next to him. She turns to the cowboys and asks "Are you a real cowboy?

He replies "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am".

She says "That's cool. I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women.

When I shower or watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women". The young lady finishes her drink and leaves and soon after a couple sits down next to the cowboy and the man asks him "Are you a real cowboy?

An old couple in their 80's are sitting in their rocking chairs on the front porch enjoying the day. Suddenly the wife reaches over and just slaps her husband across the face.

Flabergasted he looks at her and says "what was that for? A few minutes later the husband reaches over and smacks his wife hard enough that it knocks her out of her chair onto the porch.

With tears in her eyes she asks "what was that for? Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked, "Was that one word or two? But there is a problem - the sheikh has a very rare blood type.

After very intensive searches sheik's servants finally find a donor. This happens to be an old Jewish guy who agrees to donate blood in exchange for a substantial reward.

The sheikh's life is saved, and he generously rewards the donor with a luxury car and a huge mansion. Couple of years later, the same story happens.

The donor rushes to donate the blood and comes to pick up his reward. Surprisingly for him, he is handed a box of cookies.

A couple, both aged 70, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you? When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.

This happened several weeks in a row: the couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out? She's married and we can't go to her house.

I'm married and we can't go to my house. She likes to pretend she's 13 years old when we have sex. I don't know why, she'll be 13 in a couple of years anyway.

Three guys were standing around the golf course talking about how often they have sex with their wives. The first guys says, "I'm lucky if I get sex once a month.

The second guy says, "I get to have sex with my wife a couple of times a month and she lets me do it missionary and doggie style. The third guy says, "me and my wife have sex every day.

I've never heard of that. A man, a pig and his dog are marooned on a deserted island. After a couple of months in isolation the man becomes lonely and begins getting ideas about the pig.

But every time he tries it on with the pig, the dog would start biting his leg and barking at him. One day the man spots a beautiful woman floating on a raft out in the sea.

He swims out as fast as he can and rescues her, and brings her onshore. The woman is overwhelmed with gratitude for him and says Thank you for saving me, I will do anything you want.

With a cheeky glint in his eye, delighted with this offer, the man eagerly says Brilliant! You see that dog? Go take him for a feckin walk.

An old couple was sitting in church when the wife says, "I just let out a silent fart. So an 80 yr. My wife is having a baby! He replies again "Just gotta keep the motor running," looking very smug.

A few months pass again and sure enough, they're back again with another baby. The nurse asks him after the delivery once more, and with a huge look of gluttonous pride he says "Like before, you just gotta keep the motor running!

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Joshua, the 11 year old next door, who plays League of Legends every day, all night long.

Joshua clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?

What's that? In case I need to fix it again. Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it? You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.

I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down? Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. The Sierra Club and the U.

Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive; the males would then be castrated and let loose again.

Therefore the population would be controlled. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem.

Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em! A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She went to a bar where she new they hung out and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms was at the entrance.

She proclaims "I want to join your biker club. So the biker asks her "You have a bike? The biker asks her "Do you smoke?

I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool. Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill.

His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor.

I want to know if there's baseball in heaven. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news.

The good news is that there's baseball in heaven. Time for this again: An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Big Piney, Wyoming for a shave and a haircut.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball?

The barber replied "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does". The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out The wife suddenly rolls up a newspaper, walks over and smacks him in the head with it.

The wife says "For 50 years of bad sex. The wife yells back "And what was that for?!?! An old Jewish couple, Motti and Sara are going to bed.

They get undressed and turn off the lights when Sara quickly pops to the bathroom. Suddenly, ten seconds later Motti hears Sara screaming, he jumps out of bed and rushes to the bathroom only to find a distressed Sara stuck arse-first in the toilet.

With excitingly accurate timing, the plumber does indeed arrive thirty minutes later, Motti takes him upstairs and shows him his wife's predicament, the plumber says he will need a few minutes to assess the situation during which time Motti should go make him a coffee.

Motti returns: "Well? Whaddya reckon, can you get her out? But the Rabbi: he's a goner. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.

Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike.

Joe just died. Where are you? Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.

Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.

So what's the bad news? When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better.

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that? One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.

One day around this time of year, he says to her, "So? I suppose you'll be wanting a Hanukkah present? Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?

Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.

Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "? An old couple prepares to go to sleep. The man gets in bed, but the woman lies down on the floor.

The old man asks, "Why are you on the floor? Lately I've had uncontrollable gas. Fortunately all my toots are silent and emit no odor.

As a matter of fact, in the few minutes you've been in here I've probably tooted 10 times and you can't even tell. I have a couple of ideas.

Let's try this prescription first. I want you to come back in a week and we'll see if it's working. A week later she returns for the follow-up visit.

I'm still tooting as much as before, but now they stink to high heavens! Now that we have your sinuses cleared up let's see what we can do for your hearing.

Take this guy, Bob. He's coming into his early 40s, and goes into a midlife crisis. He tells his wife he wants to go back to school and study all the stuff he never got to when he was working so hard as a kid.

She's fully supportive, feeling there are worse things he could be doing in this phase of his life, and they get him enrolled at a local university.

Bob starts taking random bullshit classes. His first semester he takes Archaeology , Sociology , and his favorite, Philosophy History of early modern philosophy.

He starts learning about all the great thinkers who laid the groundwork for all of our thinking today, and he just falls in love with it.

Doesn't care he's surrounded by 18 year olds for six hours a week, he just dives right in. One day, his buddy Jim calls him up to talk. Jim's also going through a midlife crisis.

He's doing a much more destructive path, however. He calls Bob up and tells him he knows of an excellent escort service.

He says they should take a "business trip," have a little fun, the wife doesn't need to know. Bob thinks about it, and says, "No, I've got a huge philosophy paper due in a couple days and I should work on that.

But Bob is confident. Bob knows that sometimes, it's good to put Descartes before the whores. One day, an old rabbi decides that he wants to try pork, forbidden in the Torah.

But, because he's the rabbi, he can't risk being seen by anyone in his congregation. So he decides to take a vacation. He buys his tickets, flies out to Brazil, finds an expensive restauraunt and orders the roast pork.

As he's waiting, however, a couple from his congregation walks into the same restauraunt. They instantly recognize him, come up to him, and just as they're saying hello, the Rabbi's pork is brought out: a giant pig on massive platter with a big red apple in it's mouth.

As it's placed in front of him, to the shock of the couple, the Rabbi exclaims: My goodness A greenhorn comes from back east to try his hand at prospecting.

He buys his gear and heads off into the hills. He has a couple of lonely weeks, with a little bit of success finding gold. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?

More jokes about: couple , husband , marriage , travel , wife. There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, "What's the matter? The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time? Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?

More jokes about: alcohol , bar , bartender , gay , marriage. A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.

She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina? The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?

Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again.

The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina? The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!

More jokes about: husband , marriage , wife. A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?

I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me? The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof!

Can you please fix it? So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. How much is that going to cost me?

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